Recently, financial problems led a Korean man to strangle his wife and two children to death before attempting suicide. For some reason, he survived his suicide attempt and was arrested for homicide. He was cruel enough to butcher his family, and yet did not seem to have the courage to kill himself. To Western eyes, this may be quite an outrageous and inexplicable act. In Korea, however, cases of a man killing his family before committing suicide are quite common.
Why do we not just kill ourselves instead of violently murdering our beloved families? Some people argue that Korean men do it because they worry about the bleak future their bereaved families will face after their death. That is presumptuous, because their family could turn out to be better off without them. Besides, it is not up to them; everyone is responsible for his or her own destiny.
Others contend that it stems from Korean men’s strong sense of responsibility for their families. That does not make sense either: It is like saying that Korean men care about their families so much that they have to kill them. But how could you brutally murder your wife and child if you love them so much? If you truly love someone, should you not die for them instead? Besides, a husband’s responsibility is to keep his family safe and sound, not to put them in harm’s way. If your notion of love and responsibility is to kill your family, then you are either deluded or insane.
Perhaps one psychological reason can be found in Koreans’ unique community spirit as shown through such slogans as “We do it together,” “If I die, you die too” or “As a family, our fate should be the same.” Another uniquely Korean attitude is that “I own my wife and children so I can do whatever I want to with them.”
That is why in Korea it is extremely difficult for the police to intervene in family brawls or domestic violence. “This is a family matter!” a husband will yell aggressively at the police. The police officers then will be forced to back off, unless they catch the husband red-handed.
It never seems to occur to Korean men that they do not “own” their families. If they think they do, then they are no better than the slave owners before the American Civil War. Your wife and children are independent beings whom you should respect. You do not have any right to abuse them, whether physically or psychologically. In advanced countries, the government takes children away from abusive parents. Most Koreans, who tend to think of their children as their property, would be outraged if a social worker were to try to take their children away.
Recently, an incident at a day care center shook the whole nation. Koreans were appalled by CCTV footage showing a nanny punching a 4-year-old girl so hard that she literally flew into the air and landed several feet away. When arrested, the nanny pleaded, “I did it because I loved the child so much.” Beware of someone who claims to love you in Korea! That person will beat you or even kill you sooner or later.
The nanny also said, “That was the first time I ever punched a child.” But it turned out to be a lie: Other surveillance tapes proved she was a habitual child abuser. Indeed, had it not been for the surveillance camera, we would not have known about her horrid crimes.
Another type of violence that leaves indelible scars on our minds is online “comments” or “replies.” Young Koreans like to post malicious messages full of abuse, personal affronts and malevolent lies, while hiding their identity behind a pseudonym. But freedom of speech entails responsibility. In fact, freedom of speech does not give you the freedom to insult or slander others. The malicious “replies” often drive weak-minded people to commit suicide out of extreme humiliation.
When asked what they dislike most in Korea, the foreign guests on the celebrated TV talk show “Bijeongsang Hoedam (The Non-summit)” unanimously answered that it was the malevolent “daetgeul (comments)” on the Internet. Generally and traditionally, Koreans like to chat and gossip, and the Internet provides an ideal place for this. But we abuse it by turning it into a place of invisible violence, forgetting the well-known proverb, “A word is no weapon, but it can pierce the heart.”
It is a shame that we still need surveillance cameras. However, as long as children are being punched and thrown around by nannies, we need videotapes to record the violence. Likewise, we also need some sort of surveillance at home and on the internet to prevent habitual violence. Meanwhile, we all eagerly wait for the day when we can live without violence, lies and surveillance cameras.
By Kim Seong-kon
Kim Seong-kon is a professor emeritus of English at Seoul National University and the president of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea. ― Ed.
